Colonies Declare Independence From Britain; King George III Reportedly ‘Not Mad, Just Disappointed’
PHILADELPHIA (GGN) — In a stunning development Thursday, the Continental Congress voted to adopt a Declaration of Independence, formally announcing that the thirteen American colonies are breaking up with Great Britain, effective immediately.
The document, drafted primarily by Virginia delegate Thomas Jefferson, lists 27 grievances against the Crown. Sources describe it as “extremely long for a breakup letter” and say it “really did not need the part about quartering troops twice.”
Jefferson declined to comment, though aides say he spent much of June “rewording things that were already fine.”
Massachusetts delegate John Hancock drew attention for his signature, which officials measured at roughly the size of a small donkey. “He said it was so the King could read it without his spectacles,” one delegate said. “We think he’s just overcompensating.”
In London, King George III reacted to the news calmly, according to a palace spokesman. “His Majesty is not mad. He is simply disappointed,” the spokesman said, before adding that the King has “already started drafting a very strongly worded fleet.”
The news hit the tea industry especially hard. “First they throw 342 chests of my product into Boston Harbor, now this,” said Bartholomew Pennywhistle, a Liverpool tea merchant. “I don’t understand what they want. It was a perfectly reasonable tax. Do they even know how to make tea without salt water?”
Benjamin Franklin, asked whether the colonies were prepared for the consequences, said, “We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang separately,” then excused himself to go play in the rain.
Philadelphia officials say the Liberty Bell will be rung in celebration, and promise it is “in great shape and will definitely stay that way.”
Celebrations are expected to include fireworks, cookouts, and colonists loudly explaining freedom to their neighbors.
This is a developing story. Updates expected in approximately eight years.
